if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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