This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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