oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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