and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
