The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
