I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
