you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
