This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
