you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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