you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
