Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
