Welp...herpes.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
