I am in a vortex of obligation.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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