Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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