Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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