So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Randomize
