Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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