I cannot find my penis.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
