i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
