He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
COCAINE IS GR8
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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