So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
