just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
And then he peed in my hair
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