I just saw a hot homeless man
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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