wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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