you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
