I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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