I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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