tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
