direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
