Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
