I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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