Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
