oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
