2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
