I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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