dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
