she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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