fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
