Redeem this text for a blowjob
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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