You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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i now understand why vodka
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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