My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
