Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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