I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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