i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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