I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
