you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
