You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
