Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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