You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
