Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
