I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
