Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
